Despite years of planning this, I am not really sure where
to start.
I am likely dead, this post has been updated automatically.
I also know the tense is wrong, but deal with it.
I must first tell everyone left behind, how sorry I am that I had
to affect you this way. I have thought for many nights over this.
However, I do not regret having to do what has already been done,
otherwise this would not be here.
This letter is for you, to understand what I felt.
I think you deserve to know, if you want to know.
If you do not, please don't continue.
This is not intended to harm.
As you know for 11 years now, I have lived with very shitty migraines.
They hurt beyond description, and I honestly feel that I have gone though
many average lives worth of pain.
The pain really is terrible, and if you don't believe me , a part of me
hopes you get one.
Most of you do know me well, and have no doubts. However, thats where most
of your understanding ends.
For 10 years now, I have been on drugs to counter act, prevent, and otherwise
try to end this terrible disease. Many serious anti-depressants (depakote,
celexa, nortryptyline , just to name a small few ) have come in and out of my
life, beta-blockers, and various other more serious drugs which no longer work.
I am at the end of what I would consider reasonable treatment. The only
class of drugs worth considering are MAOI inhibitors, and other off the
wall drugs that have very serious side effects.
The hidden side of this is life not only feels plastic, it feels entirely dead.
Each generation of drug I take, and headache I get, I loose a bit of myself.
I feel I have lost the majority of what I would consider good. These drugs are
not designed for or well tested at the duration I have been taking them.
Even if all of this is likely tolerable, if everything else is going well in
your life. However, my life is not going well. Life is already zero sum.
I have a high pain cost, and I am incapable of feeling the positives of life.
I am truly broken.
I can't even remember what being happy is like, or even when I was happy.
I have felt this way for a long time, and I am tired of working towards
absent goals just to survive a simular day.
I feel, no one has the right to ask me to continue though this, and that
all other choices are only delaying and propagating the damage of this.
For those of you who will think I have gone 'insane'. I really don't think so,
I just think I am faced with the cost of my life early on. Think about all the
things that might bring you close to this, then think about how that compares
to my life.
This is where I was about a year ago, I have tried everything that I could
think of to be happy. I found some nice distractions, but only places to
hide. No shelter in sight.
There are a few more things I have to say before I wrap this up.
I know the pain of a friend committing suicide. Dustin did nearly the same
thing, and I know that this is going to be a magnitude worse for my
small group of friends/family.
Here are some thoughts that might help:
#1) I need to do this now instead of 10 years from now when I likely would
have someone to love and potentially have children. Now is the least
amount of pain I can cause people.
#2) I am falling apart in the ways that you know me, and this started
a long time ago. The person I would end up being would be far different.
We all know people rarely change for the better.
#3) No one caused this, there is no blame. Don't try to make imaginative
connections, this is something I did.
My real friends/family were the only reason I haven't done this earlier.
I know it is selfish, but ultimately a choice I made.
I ultimately knew this was the right choice after I set a date, a huge
weight was torn from me. This date was chosen for a reason, but I will
keep that in mystery (It is easy to figure out).
Please don't carry my choice on your name, be happy!
Forget me quickly, or pretend I am happy somewhere else.
Also if one of my technical friends could do me one last favor, break into zerospace and look in /home/keepcc/perl/stuff/posttoljf.pl My mom and karin might
want my lj password.
if you are curious, you can look around too, but please do not change anything.
It is the only thing I have done that I still cherish some.
There is a lot of stuff marked private ok poetry, and harsh thoughts and truths.
Read at your own risk.
To my family:
I do love you, I am sorry about this. I love each and every one of you.
Dad: I am sorry I couldn't make it though this, please forgive me.
Mom: I know you blame yourself for my migraines, DON'T.
Kelly: Sorry brother, I just couldn't get though this. You set a pretty
good example that I always tried to follow. Please take care of Jason and
James. If that girl is worthy hold her tight.
James: Hey man, I know you hate this shit. Please don't be mad at me too
much. We don't talk too much recently, but you really are awesome.
Jason: I am not sure if mom will let you read this for a while. You are
growing up to be a very good man. Go to school, get lost in education.
Its hard, but in the end I think you will enjoy it.
One last quote:
"I can see the curtain, the ending, I knew it was on its way , leaving , I just
didn't want it to be today" Chemlab - Force Quit
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